Eternal Torment
by Ta1u1a
Summary: Story 2 in my Tara series. Willow's determined to get Tara back, but what comes back may not be the Tara she knew. COMPLETE
1. Return the Lost

_AUTHOR'S NOTE: It would be advisable to read my fan fiction "What I Am" before reading this one. Otherwise, you likely won't know what's going on._

_DISCLAIMER: The characters and locations of Buffy the Vampire Slayer are the property of Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy Productions. I do this for fun, not for profit._

Two months had passed since Glory had been defeated, and the world remained more or less in tact. Xander and Anya were engaged, but they hadn't told anybody yet. Xander still worked construction and Anya still worked at the Magic Box. Giles still ran the Magic Box and helped Buffy look after Dawn. Life was moving on…for everybody except Willow.

The others worried about her. She had taken incompletes in all her classes the previous semester, and as far as any of them knew she hadn't made any plans to enroll for the fall. She had moved out of the dorm and back into her parents' house. Buffy, who had dropped her courses after her mother's death, had even planned on enrolling in the fall. But Willow said nothing. She had been very stand-offish since they had lost Tara. They mostly only saw her when she came to the Magic Box. Giles worried about her the most because he feared what she was planning. Anytime she made a purchase at the Magic Box, she made sure Giles wasn't there. Most of the time her purchases were just random supplies or a book here or there. None of it put together spelled danger. But Giles couldn't help but be concerned. Willow was a powerful witch. He had a good idea what she was capable of.

There had been no funeral. Willow had refused to hold a funeral without a body. She wasn't letting go of Tara. She couldn't. Buffy knew what Willow was going through. Without proof, a body, the person is never truly gone. She had felt that way with Angel. When she had stabbed Angel, causing Acathla to suck him into hell, Buffy always had a feeling in the back of her head that he would come back. And he did. She knew Willow probably felt the same way. Until Willow saw a body, Tara would never be dead. Willow would never have closure.

"I'm telling you, Giles, she's planning something," Xander said worriedly. "She won't return my phone calls. Every time I go over to her house, her mom says she's not home."

"Perhaps her mother is telling the truth," Giles said as he looked over some financial statements for the shop.

"No, she's not.  I can tell when Will's mom is lying." Giles looked unconvinced and Xander shrugged his shoulders. "Okay, so I can't tell when she's lying. But I've got a feeling she's lying."

"What do you propose we do, Xander?" Giles asked. "Willow's entitled to her privacy."

Xander looked up when he saw Buffy and Dawn walk in. "Hey, you guys will back me up," he said. "Tell Giles we need to do something about Willow."

"I am worried," Buffy said. "I haven't talked to her in a week."

"It's understandable that she would want to be alone," Giles said. "She's still grieving—"

"That's the problem, Giles," Buffy said. "I don't think she is grieving. I don't think she ever started."

"What are you saying?" Giles asked.

"There's no body," Dawn said quietly. "When mom died, I don't think I really believed it until I saw her body."

"And what should we do?" Giles asked. "She hasn't talked to any of us about it. I don't think a group confrontation would sit well with her."

"We need to figure out what she's planning," Xander said.

"We could use her receipts," Anya suggested. "She's bought a lot of stuff in the past week."

"You didn't tell me she'd been in this week," Giles said, removing his glasses. He stood and walked over to Anya.

"She asked me not to," Anya said. "She said she wanted to be sure."

"Sure about what?" Buffy asked.

"Sure that I could bring her back." They all turned when they heard Willow's voice near the front of the shop. "I can bring Tara back."

* * *

By the time Willow explained her plan, Spike had joined them all. He had hoped to be able to join Buffy for a patrol. He could always find his own violence, but he found it more satisfying when he was fighting alongside her. He caught the end of the story, but it was enough to figure out what was going on.

"What you're talking about is extremely dangerous," Giles said. "It also requires a lot of power. Possibly more than you possess."

"I have to do this, Giles," Willow said. "I believe Tara's still alive. There's no body, which means one of those hell dimensions that was breaking into our world might have sucked her in. She could still be alive somewhere suffering."

"The odds of her being alive are slim," Anya said. "Time moves faster in all demon dimensions. By now she would have died of old age. There's only one dimension where she could still be alive."

"Which one?" Dawn asked.

"The realm of eternal torment," Anya said simply, as if they should all know what this place was like.

"I don't like the sound of that," Xander said.

"In that dimension any mortal who enters is immortal in order to suffer torture for all eternity," Giles explained. "But like Anya said, the chances of Tara being there are not high."

"But she could be there, suffering," Willow said, pleadingly, trying to convince Giles they had to follow her plan.

"Even if Tara was in that dimension, and even if we were able to bring her back, she wouldn't be the same," Giles said. "She very likely would be insane. She wouldn't know any of us. She's probably experienced centuries of torture."

"Two-hundred thirty years," Anya said. The others looked confused. "That's how much time has passed in that dimension."

"All the more reason to bring her back," Willow said. "We can't just let her suffer forever."

"I can't believe you lot are debating this," Spike said finally. "Are Red and I the only ones with any sense here?"  
  


"I don't believe this is any of your business, Spike," Giles said angrily.

"I think it is," Spike shot back. "Have you forgotten that the girl you're talking about saved all of our lives, even mine? You all owe your bloody existence to her. I'd help with the soddin' spell myself, if I could. If she is in this eternal torment place, the least you owe her is to bring her back here so she can die and rest in peace like a normal person."

They were all silent. Spike's point hit home. They all knew he was right about one thing. They owed their lives to Tara.

"I'm in," Xander said quietly, breaking the silence. "Whatever I can do to help."

"Me too," Anya agreed, not just to agree with Xander. Not long ago she had discovered the joys of being human. Tara had made it possible for Anya to keep discovering other joys of being human. She was grateful for that.

"We're with you," Buffy said to Willow, referring to herself and Dawn.

Willow looked to Giles. She saw his reluctance, but she knew it wasn't because he didn't want Tara back. He was always the one to consider the risks. He was their voice of reason. He had to be the cautious one.

"Please, Giles," Willow said. "This would be a hundred times less risky if I had your help."

"Very well," he said, nodding his head. "Where do we start?"

* * *

Willow sat in the center of a circle of candles on the Magic Box floor. Anya and Xander finished lighting the candles while Dawn handed Willow the book she needed. Buffy set a bowl in front of Willow. It contained a mixture of ingredients that Willow had put together earlier. Willow reached into her coat pocket and pulled out the final thing she needed—a necklace that had belonged to Tara. She dangled it over the urn for a moment and then lowered it in. Giles began chanting in Aramaic. When he was done, Willow began her spell.

"Return the lost. Set her tortured soul free. Open a gate for her passage. Maleki, I ask of you."

The others watched as the flames on the candles flared up, but Willow continued.

"Return the lost. Set her free. Return the lost. Set her free."

As Willow chanted the smoke from the candles thickened and changed a light green color. Streams of smoke wafted up over Willow's head, creating a dome-like shape. Then all the smoke rushed downward into the urn. Soon after the smoke, the flames did the same. Everyone jumped back in alarm as the fire formed a dome around Willow. The young witch didn't seem to notice. Finally the flames shot downward into the urn as well. They turned green and shot over a foot in the air. Willow continued to chant.

"Why do you summon me?" a voice asked from the flames. Willow stopped chanting and opened her eyes.

"My offering to you belonged to the one I seek. You must open the gates and set her free," Willow said.

"If I set one free, what keeps me from setting all free?"

"She doesn't belong in a hell dimension. She doesn't deserve eternal torment."

"If she is there, then fate would think otherwise."

"Set her free," Willow demanded.

"I cannot control what passes through the gate when it is open," the voice explained. "She may not come alone."

"Set her free," Willow demanded again. The flames flared even higher and then they died down. As they did, the voice spoke loudly.

"Do not summon me again."

Then the flames were gone. Everyone was quiet. They didn't know what to say. So Spike broke the silence.

"Well, that was anti-climactic," he said sarcastically. The others glared at him.

"Did it work?" Xander asked. "I mean, the voice or whatever that was didn't say what he was going to do."

"It appears there's no way of knowing," Giles said. "Although I would imagine if he was going to set Tara free she would be here, in some form, whether she's dead or alive."

Buffy saw the disappointed look on Willow's face and knelt in front of her. "Willow?"

She stood slowly and brushed off her pants. "I don't think it worked."

"You don't know that," Buffy said. "Maybe he brought Tara back somewhere else."

"She's not here," Willow said. "Giles is right. She would be here."

The others fell into silence again.

"I'm sorry," Buffy said. "I wish it had worked."

Willow nodded her head. "It just means I'll have to keep working on it."

"Will, maybe this was a sign," Xander said. "Maybe this was fate's way of telling you that Tara's gone."

"No, she's not," Willow said adamantly. "I'm going to find her. I'll do whatever it takes to get her back."

She turned then and walked out of the Magic Box, returning home to find another way to get her love back.

* * *

Cold. Dark. Trembling. Afraid. Lost.

She knew things were different. The air smelled different. It felt different. The grit of the sand didn't sting her skin. The acrid smell of sulfur didn't burn her nose. Things were fresh. The ground was concrete. She heard noises she hadn't heard in a long time. Cars. Dogs. Voices.

She stood amidst the steel rubble surrounding her. The construction site had been left untouched. It hadn't changed at all. The wrecking ball was nearby. Partially constructed walls stood waiting to be finished. There was broken glass on the ground. Broken bricks. Dirt. Plaster. She walked hunched over, occasionally stopping in a crouched position to look around. She was oblivious to the rocks and glass under her bare feet. She was more concerned about the cold on her nearly naked body.

Before she left the construction site, she turned back toward where she had just been. There was a flash and she saw a steel tower high up above. Then it was gone. Another flash and bright energy shot from a point in the sky, cracking the ground and breaking down walls between dimensions. Then it was gone again. She closed her eyes, not understanding these flashes. Hallucinations. Dreams. Memories. She wasn't sure.

The streets were deserted. It was late at night. She heard a car far off, but she didn't see one. She didn't know where she was walking to. She just felt the need to keep walking, as if her destination would find her. As she made her way down an alley she stopped. She sensed someone there. Some_thing_.  She turned to see what appeared to be a man. She remained in a crouched position, looking up at him.

"Well, what do we have here?" the man asked, his voice slightly impeded by a lisp. As he stepped into the light she saw his face and knew he wasn't a man. "Midnight snack."

The vampire growled and charged her, but was immediately startled as she grabbed him by the shirt and threw him down the alley. He tumbled to a stop against a dumpster. He jumped up and glared at her. He charged again, throwing punches right away. She easily blocked them, grabbed his arm and spun him around, slamming him into the brick wall. He grabbed a broken mop handle from the dumpster and swung it at her. She dodged each of his swings and finally took the mop handle away from him. She whacked him over the head and then quickly drove the handle into his heart. He disappeared in a puff of dust and she turned away, continuing down the alley as if that fight hadn't even happened.

She came to a door and pushed it open. The room she walked into was familiar to her but her mind couldn't place it. There was a pommel horse on one end. Exercise mats lined the floor. A scarecrow-like dummy stood in the center of the room. Weapons of various kinds lined the walls.

She walked to the opposite end of the room and looked through another door into the store. A flash and she saw people, reading books and talking about something. Then it was gone. Another flash and she heard what they were talking about. "I'll kill anyone who comes near Dawn." Then they were gone. She shook her head and turned back toward the center of the room.

She looked down at herself and then approached the attack dummy, quickly removed the blue buttondown shirt from it and put it on. Then she did the same with the jeans. The clothes were big on her, but they were adequate. She tore open the dummy and removed the straw from inside it, carrying it over to the opposite corner. She piled the straw in the corner, and then once she was satisfied, she curled up in it, falling into a restless sleep.

She awoke with a start several hours later when she heard a noise. It was a high-pitched clanging noise. A bell. She rose and grabbed a battleaxe off the wall. She made sure she wasn't visible as she approached the door to the shop.

"For the last time, Anya, you're not getting paid overtime for any demon-related research," Giles said.

"Can I have a raise?" Anya asked.  "I'm your best employee."

"You're my only employee," Giles said. He started the coffee maker and then went to hang his suit jacket up.

"And therefore, the best employee," Anya said, once again exhibiting her unique perspective. "It is customary for employers to give raises after someone has worked satisfactorily for them for a long time."

However, Giles wasn't listening to her anymore. "Did you hear something?"

"What?" Anya asked. She watched Giles walk toward the training room and then gasped when someone lunged through the door and tackled Giles. The attacker easily knocked Giles to the floor and then straddled him, pinning his shoulders down with her knees. She held the blade of the battleaxe to his throat, glaring through her long dirty hair that hung in her face. She was about to press down, in order to decapitate Giles, when she stopped.

There was a flash and she heard his voice and her own. "Your reflexes are amazing." "Really? I always thought I was kind of a klutz." Then they were gone again.

"Giles," Anya said, grabbing the nearest heavy object she could find to help him. But he held up his right hand.

"No, don't move, Anya," he said. He looked up at his attacker, astonished. He was too shocked to even be concerned about the battleaxe at his throat. "Tara?"

The sound of her name seemingly alarmed her. She jumped off of him and quickly ran out of the shop. Anya helped Giles stand and they both looked in amazement at the front door that she had run out of.

"The spell did work," Anya said, confirming the obvious. Giles nodded his head.

"That it did."


	2. Where She Feels Safe

The ringing of the phone was an unpleasant sound at 7 a.m. in the Summers' residence. Buffy looked at her clock and groaned as she picked up the phone.

"This better be good," she said.

"Buffy, it's Giles."

"Too early. Beauty sleep is important," she said.

"Tara's back," he said. That got her attention. She sat up quickly.

"It's not my morning coffee, but it'll do," she said. "Did you just say Tara's back?"

"Yes. Anya and I just arrived to open the shop and she came out of the training room. She attacked me," he said.

"Are you okay? I mean…what did she do?"

"It appears she may have spent the night here," he explained. "She took the clothes off the attack dummy for herself and then made a bed out of the straw. She nearly killed me, but she stopped. I think she recognized me. When I said her name, she ran off."

"So she's running around town with a battleaxe," Buffy said. "Do you think she would hurt anybody?"

"I can't be certain," Giles replied. "You need to find her. I would guess that she would find someplace that she feels safe. I believe that's why this was the first place she came to."

"Get the tranquilizer gun and pick me up," Buffy said, her mind already picking a plan of action. "I know where she's going."

* * *

She walked down the hallway, looking at everything as if she had never seen it before. There was nobody around yet. This was a college dorm. All the students were still gone for the summer. Of course, she didn't know that. She followed her senses to where they led her and she opened the door to the room she was seeking.

It was empty. The walls were bare, the shelves empty and the bed without bedding. But she could still feel the familiarity here. There was a flash and she saw herself with a familiar red-head. "I'm so scared," she said. Then they were gone. Another flash and they were kissing on the bed. Gone again. She ran her hand over the mattress, trying to make sense of all these flashes. She could smell the red-head's scent in the room still. It was comforting.

"Tara."  She looked over to see Buffy standing just inside the doorway with Giles behind her. "You need to come with us."

She stared at them for a while, and none of them moved. Then she saw the tranquilizer gun in Giles hands. She raised the axe and swung at Buffy, and the slayer quickly knocked it out of her hands. She tossed Buffy over the bed and turned to Giles, but she was quickly knocked down as Buffy jumped and tackled her. She tried to struggle free, but Buffy had her arms pinned behind her back. The slayer stood her up on her feet and then looked to Giles.

"Now!"

Giles fired and she cried out as a tranquilizer dart was embedded in her shoulder. She continued struggling, but soon her struggling stopped as everything became hazy. She fell to her knees and then faded into unconsciousness as Buffy eased her to the floor.

"We'll take her back to the Magic Box. It would be best to chain her up until we know precisely how dangerous she is," Giles said. Buffy nodded her head and then looked to him in concern.

"Is she going to be okay?" she asked. Giles shook his head as he handed her the tranquilizer gun and picked Tara up in his arms.

"I don't know."

* * *

Back at the construction site something long, thin and dark crawled out from underneath the steel rubble of the tower. It looked around through it's bright green eyes and then slinked out of the site toward a nearby house. It crawled through the dog door and into the kitchen. It stopped when it heard footsteps. A woman carrying a basket of laundry walked out of the adjoining laundry room. It hissed, catching her attention. She screamed, dropped her laundry and tried to run, but it quickly jumped up and landed on her. Her screams quickly stopped as it tore open her throat and then began devouring her body hungrily.

* * *

The others all rushed back into the training room when they heard Giles and Buffy enter through the back door. By the time they were all in the room, Buffy was already looping the chains over a hook in the wall over the corner where Tara had made her straw bed. Giles set Tara down on the floor, and he and Buffy clamped the manacles around her wrists. Tara stirred slightly, but did not wake fully.

"Oh my god," Willow said, stepping forward instinctively. Giles held up his hand as he and Buffy backed away.

"Stay back," he warned. "She's starting to regain consciousness."

"Are the chains necessary?" Xander asked, not fully grasping the situation. He was too shocked to think clearly.

But they all got an answer to his question as Tara opened her eyes. She sat up, saw all of them, saw the manacles on her wrists and immediately became enraged. She jumped to her feet and shot a furious cry at them, causing them all to jump back in surprise. Then she turned and began pulling and thrashing her chains, trying to break them off the wall. They held fast. She screamed angrily and kicked the wall before she gave up and crouched in the corner, glaring at them like a frightened and trapped animal. She was breathing heavily from her outburst. It almost sounded like growling to the rest of them.

"Oh my god," Willow repeated, tears filling her eyes. She couldn't believe what she was seeing. It was Tara, but it wasn't Tara. The demon dimension had destroyed her.

"What happened to her?" Dawn asked, knowing the answer but not stopping herself from asking the question.

"A couple centuries of physical and emotional torment happened to her," Anya said solemnly.

"We sh-should talk out in the shop," Giles said. They had to figure out where to go from here. They had brought Tara back and now it was their responsibility to take care of her. Slowly they all filed out of the training room, Willow was the last one to leave as she shot one more look at Tara growling in her corner.

"What do we do now?" Xander asked. "I mean, it's pretty obvious the hell dimension drove her crazy. She didn't even know us."

"I think she does know us," Buffy said, shaking her head. "When we found her in the dorm, she just looked at us. I saw recognition in her eyes."

"She attacked us," Giles said, not understanding what Buffy was talking about.

"She attacked us because she saw you holding the tranquilizer gun," Buffy argued. "She was defending herself. And you said when she first attacked you this morning, you thought she recognized you."

"Yes," Giles agreed. Thinking back on the attack in the dorm, he felt Buffy was right. "Yes, perhaps she does recognize us."

"This is a good thing. If she recognizes us, we can probably get her to trust us again," Buffy continued. "The sooner the better."

"But what about what just happened back there?" Dawn asked. "It looked like she wanted to kill us all."

"She's confused and frightened," Giles said. "She doesn't understand what's going on so she's lashing out. It's the only way she knows how to react after what she's been through."

"So how do we get her to trust us?" Xander asked.

"Maybe she's hungry," Dawn suggested. "Maybe if we give her food and water it'll prove we aren't going to hurt her."

"Good suggestion, Dawn," Giles agreed. "I can't imagine food and water would've been in abundance in the demon dimension."

"There is no food in the realm of eternal torment," Anya said. The others looked at her, confused.

"Well, she's lost weight but she doesn't look emaciated," Giles said. "She must have eaten something."

"Some_thing_," Anya said. Again, everyone was confused.

"Honey, speed this up and tell us exactly what you're talking about," Xander said.

"There's nothing to eat there. There's no plants or animals. Only sand and rocks," she explained. "And people and demons."

"Wait, are you saying…?" Buffy began, but she didn't finish the question, too apalled to say the words.

"What?" Dawn asked, not jumping on the realization train just yet.

"You're saying she ate people," Willow stated. Her heart ached, thinking about the possiblity of Tara turning to cannibalism.

"Or demons," Anya finished. "It's the only way to die there—to be eaten."

"This just keeps getting worse," Xander said, his stomach turning at the idea of eating people.

"God," Dawn said. She kept thinking of the night Tara saved them all, saved her. She kept trying to think of ways she could've changed things, kept Tara from being sucked into the demon dimension. The one obvious way leapt out at her. She almost wished she had jumped off that tower. It would be easier to die than to feel responsible for her friend's suffering.

"She probably tried to avoid it for the first year or so. But when the hunger doesn't kill you, you have no choice but to give in or completely lose your mind," Anya explained. "Since the realm made her immortal, she didn't have much choice. Eat or be eaten."

Everyone remained silent for several minutes, all of them wishing they had done something different the night that Tara disappeared. Most of their scenarios ended with one of them dying.

"Okay," Giles said, breaking the silence. "Dawn's idea still sounds like a good way to earn Tara's trust."

"I'll get the food," Xander said. "What should I get?"

"It would probably be best to start her with things like bread and rice," Giles said. "She may not be able to handle anything more."

"Got it," Xander said. He immediately stood and headed out the door, feeling better now that he had something to do. Willow stood soon after him.

"I'll bring her some water," she said. She grabbed a pitcher and a glass, and she was about to go fill it when Giles grabbed her by the arm.

"Be careful, Willow," he said knowingly. "I understand how you feel, but you can't get too close to her. Not yet."

Willow simply nodded her head and continued back toward the training room. She moved to the sink, filled the pitcher with water and turned to Tara.

She was watching her intently. She was kneeling now, leaning against the wall. Willow walked forward until she was about two feet away from Tara. She knelt in front of her and filled the glass. Tara kept watching her.

"Tara," Willow said cautiously. She set the glass on the floor in front of Tara. "I brought you water."

Tara stared at the glass, looked to Willow and then grabbed the glass quickly. She drank the water greedily and then set the empty glass back on the floor. She looked to Willow and then looked to the pitcher. Willow started to fill the glass again, but Tara reached forward suddenly, grabbing the pitcher out of her hands. She drank the water directly from the pitcher, being careful not to spill any. She wanted every last drop.

"I guess you were pretty thirsty," Willow said quietly, watching in awe. As Tara drank the water, Willow studied the physical changes. As Giles had mentioned, she was a lot thinner. She had a prominent scar on her neck. It looked like teeth marks. Something had got to her throat and had a taste. It wasn't a vampire bite. Willow could tell because there were teeth marks on both sides of her neck, like something had wrapped its whole mouth around her throat. Tara's hair was a lot longer. It had grown down to her waist and it was stringy, hanging loose in dirty strands.

When she was finished, Tara set the pitcher on the floor and looked to Willow again. She closed her eyes when her mind flashed again. Willow's voice. "Strong like an Amazon?" Her own voice. "Right. Strong like an Amazon."  She shook her head. Willow's voice. "Joyce liked the blue."

Willow watched Tara, not sure what was going on when she closed her eyes and shook her head. Slowly Willow reached her hand out, ignoring Giles' warning. This was Tara. They trusted each other. She had to know that she would never hurt her. But just as Willow's fingertips brushed Tara's shoulder, Tara cried out and lashed out, causing Willow to fall backward in surprise. Tara sat back against the corner and glared at her. She was growling again.

"Oh god, baby, I'm sorry," Willow said, tears streaming down her face. "I'm so sorry."


	3. Is This Real?

When Xander returned with the food he walked quickly to the table to set it down. Willow was standing in the doorway of the training room with her arms folded over her chest, watching Tara. Giles and Anya came around from behind the counter. Buffy and Dawn were already sitting at the table.

"I think we might have trouble," he said. "When I was getting the food I heard on the news that a woman, her kid and her dog were all killed this morning. They were eaten alive. The police are saying it was a bear, but since when do we have bears in Sunnydale?"

"Demon bears," Buffy said. Then a look of realization spread over her face. "Eaten alive? Like demon dimension, all I can eat is people, eaten alive?"

"Tara couldn't have done this," Giles said. "She's been here almost all morning."

"So maybe something else did it," Buffy said. "Something else that played follow the leader out of the demon dimension behind Tara."

"That demon said it couldn't stop something else from coming through when he opened the gate," Dawn said.

"I have to find it," Buffy said, standing in preparation to go on the hunt. She turned to Xander. "Where were the people killed?"

"Uh, on Crawford street," he replied. "Not far from where, uh, where the fight with Glory went down."

Buffy brushed past Willow to retrieve weapons from the training room. "Gotta go to the scene of the crime. I'm gonna kill this thing before it kills anybody else."

"I'm going with you," Xander said. As Buffy returned from the training room, she looked to him disapprovingly.  "I can drive you." He saw she was looking for more than that. "It killed a kid, Buffy. I wanna help."

Buffy nodded her head and handed the axe over to Xander. She slung the crossbow over her shoulder and grabbed a short-sword. The two of them left the shop, grateful to have something easier to deal with. Killing a demon was simple. Dealing with what happened to Tara was not.

Once they were gone, Giles and Anya busied themselves with tasks around the shop. Dawn walked over to Willow and joined her in watching Tara.

"How are you doing?" she asked. Willow shook her head, unable to answer. Dawn rested her hand on Willow's shoulder. "I'm sorry. If I had just jumped—"

"No," Willow interrupted, turning to make eye contact with Dawn. "No. That wasn't an option. None of us would've let that happen." She paused and turned back to Tara. Her voice started to waver as she spoke. "Tara…wouldn't have…"

As she trailed off she crumbled into tears and Dawn took her into her arms, wanting to do whatever it took to comfort Willow. Giles and Anya watched quietly from across the shop.

"Why did I let her do it?" Willow asked through her tears. Dawn couldn't help but cry as well. "Oh god, Tara."

From her corner in the training room, Tara watched from her crouched position. She saw them all. She smelled them. She felt them. She heard them. But she couldn't believe them. It had to be a trick. She was seeing things. Hallucinating. Everything was a deception. It had to be. After all this time, she couldn't believe that she could be free. It wasn't possible.

* * *

Buffy and Xander walked into the house. The police were long gone. Sunnydale's police weren't the greatest at crime scene security anyway. As they made their way into the house, Xander cringed at the sight of the blood on the floor within the kid-sized outline.

"God," he said. Buffy looked back and yanked lightly on his shirt.

"Come on," she said. "We'll find this thing."

Xander followed Buffy as she made her way toward the back door, following a trail that he couldn't see. She tapped the dog door with her short-sword.

"I hate these things," she said flatly. She opened the back door and continued on the trail. They had walked two blocks before she realized where the trail was leading her. "It's heading to the Magic Box."

"Are you sure?" Xander asked. She nodded her head.

"It's following Tara."

* * *

Giles, Anya, Dawn and Willow were all out in the shop area when a crash startled them all. Giles moved toward the training room, where the crash had come from.

"Girls, stay out here," he said. He moved into the training room and pulled a sword off the wall when he saw a long, thin dark figure had crashed through the back door. Tara was hunched over in a defensive stance, glaring at the creature as it glared back at her. Then the creature turned, saw Giles and attacked. He held the sword up, but it knocked him down, pinning him on the floor in the doorway.

"Giles!" Anya said in alarm. Willow stepped forward and held out her hand.

"Separate!"

The demon flew off of Giles into the shop area. Meanwhile, in the training room, Tara watched.  If this was a trick, why would that demon be there? She didn't understand. Unless it wasn't a trick. She pulled hard on her chains and felt them give slightly.

Dawn and Anya stood behind the counter, too scared to do anything. The demon lunged at Willow, throwing her against the wall and knocking her unconscious. Just as Buffy and Xander entered the shop, Giles charged at the demon. It flipped Giles over and across the shop, causing him to collide with Xander and Buffy. The demon turned back to Willow, but it was caught off guard when a length of chain wrapped around it's neck. It howled as Tara twisted the chains around it and flipped it over her shoulder, slamming it into the floor. She held it down, grabbed it's head in her hands and twisted, snapping its neck.

As Buffy, Giles and Xander picked themselves up off the floor, they saw Tara crouched next to Willow.

"Willow," Buffy said, starting to move to get Tara away from her friend. But Giles held his hand out and stopped her. He saw Tara just looking at Willow.

"Wait, it's okay," he said.

Her memory flashed again. Her own voice. Looking at Willow hopefully. "I am, you know. Yours."

Tara reached forward, her hands still chained up. She slowly reached toward Willow's face, to touch her. She pulled back a little bit when Willow opened her eyes. Willow was startled and sat up. Everyone was watching Tara, waiting to see what she would do. Buffy was still at the ready in case Tara attacked. She reached forward again and gently touched her fingertips to Willow's head. Then she ran them down the side of Willow's face. She touched Willow's hair and slowly Willow brought her hand up. She took one of Tara's hands in her own and held it gently. They just looked at each other and then Tara uttered her first word since she came back.

"Willow?"

Willow couldn't stop a choked sob from escaping. She gently placed her hands on Tara's shoulders and then pulled her forward, wrapping her arms around her. Tara returned the embrace as best she could with the chains.

That one thing—Tara saying her name—was all that Willow needed to hear. Tara was back. She wasn't lost. She had come back to her, and everything would be okay.


	4. I Missed the Moon

"Thank you," Tara said. Willow looked over, waiting for an explanation. "For keeping my stuff."

Willow smiled. The two of them were in the basement of her parents' house, trying to track down all of Tara's boxes. Buffy and Dawn had invited Willow and Tara to move in with them. Willow wasn't ready to explain to her mother who Tara was or why she needed to move in with them, and Tara certainly wasn't ready to go back to school and live in the dorm.

"Of course I kept it," Willow said. She laughed a little. "Although my mom was confused about why I was coming back with twice as much stuff as I left with."

Tara smiled slightly as she opened a box. She pulled out a framed photograph and stared at it. It was a picture of her and Willow that had been taken at her 20th birthday party. Her memory flashed back to that evening.

"Good birthday?" Willow asked.

"Best birthday," she replied.

"You okay?" Willow asked, snapping Tara out of her thoughts. She looked over to see concern on Willow's face.

"Uh, yeah," she replied. Willow walked over and looked over her shoulder. "Just remembering things."

"Oh, your birthday," Willow said with a smile. "I was surprised that picture turned out. Anya couldn't figure out how to work my digital camera."

"Then when she did she said she wanted to keep your camera," Tara said with a smirk. Willow laughed.  She brushed her hand down the long braid that ran down the length of Tara's back and then rested her hand on the small of her back. Quickly Tara put the picture down and moved away. Willow felt slightly hurt. She was about to say something when Xander and Anya came down the basement stairs.

"Okay, Will, we've got all your stuff over at Buffy's," he said. "Did you find all of Tara's stuff?"

"Yeah," Willow replied, trying to forget the reaction Tara just had to her touch. She pointed at the boxes. "Pretty much all of these."

Xander and Anya each grabbed a box and started to take them out to the car. Willow turned to see Tara grabbing her own box.

"Tara, if I did something to—"

Tara just shook her head and interrupted her. "It's fine."

Willow watched her walk out of the basement, worried. She wasn't sure why Tara had recoiled from her touch. She wanted to know. She just wished Tara would talk to her. She knew it would take time for Tara to open up, but she didn't know what to do until then.

* * *

Buffy and Willow gathered plates from the kitchen while Giles cooked dinner. They went to set the table. They were having a small get together with dinner as group. It was sort of a celebration for Tara's return. Tara, Dawn, Xander and Anya were in the living room talking.

"Will, are you sure this is a good idea?" Buffy asked as they set the table. "It's not going to be too much for her? She's barely been back a week."

"I asked her about it," Willow said. "She said it would be fine." She glanced out into the living room. Tara was listening to a story Xander was telling. "It seems like she's doing okay."

"She hasn't talked much, has she?" Buffy asked, having noticed Willow's almost constant worried expression.

"No," Willow replied. "I mean, I understand. It's gotta be hard for her. I just wish I could know what she went through. I wanna help her."

"I know the feeling," Buffy said. She got a thoughtful look on her face as she looked out at Tara. Xander had finished his story and Tara had a small smile on her face while the others laughed. She had an idea of how to help Tara. She just had to make a phone call.

* * *

They had finished dinner and now they were just sitting around the table talking. Willow would shoot glances over at Tara periodically, making sure she was doing okay. She seemed fine.

During a lull in the conversation, Anya nudged Xander and gave him an annoyed look. "Let's tell them."

"Anya, not now," Xander said.

"But everybody's here," she argued. "Tara's back. Willow's happy now. Why can't we tell them?"

"Anya…"

"Tell us what?" Dawn asked. Xander looked around sighed, knowing he had no choice now. He stood and cleared his throat and took Anya's hand in his.

"Well, uh, I wasn't sure when to tell everybody, but I guess I have to now," he said with a nervous smile. Everybody waited impatiently. "Anya and I are engaged."

It took a moment to sink in, but slowly everyone reacted. Buffy stood and walked around the table.

"Oh my god, this is great," she said with a huge grin, giving Xander a tight hug. "I'm so happy for you."

"Congratulations," Willow said with a smile. She and Anya hadn't always seen eye to eye on things, but she knew Anya loved Xander and Xander loved her. Her best friend was getting married. It was great news. "This is amazing."

"Yes, congratulations," Giles said. He stood and was ready to head into the kitchen. "Well, this is call for celebration. Um, more celebration."

"Exciting announcements always call for champagne," Anya said with a smile.

"Oh, we don't have any," Buffy said. "Uh, I think there's some wine in the cupboard. I'll go look."

"I'll help you," Giles said. The two of them went to the kitchen while the others moved out to the living room. A few minutes later Giles and Buffy returned with glasses and a bottle of wine. Once everyone had their wine and Dawn had her soda, Buffy raised her glass.

"To Anya and Xander. May your marriage be long, happy and fun," Buffy said with a smile. "You two were meant for each other."

"Cheers," everyone else said, clinking their glasses together. The group then fell into a discussion about how Xander proposed to Anya. After a few minutes, Buffy and Willow went to clean up the dishes. Giles joined them shortly.

"Wow," Buffy said. "Who would've thought Xander would be the first one of us to get married?"

"I know," Willow said. "It's kinda weird."

"I certainly am surprised. I thought he and Anya would've split up a long time ago," Giles said. "They've both proven me wrong."

They looked over when they heard someone clear their throat. Tara was standing in the doorway of the kitchen.

"Everything going okay out there?" Buffy asked.

"Yeah," Tara said. She smiled a little. "Anya's making up a list of things she wants for wedding presents…and bridal shower presents and engagement presents." The others chuckled. "I'm, uh, going upstairs. I just wanted to say goodnight."

"Are you okay?" Willow asked, glancing at the clock. It was only eight o'clock.

"I'm just tired," Tara said. "Thanks for dinner, Mr. Giles."

"Of course," Giles said. "Goodnight."

Tara left the room and headed upstairs. Giles turned to Willow.

"How has she been doing? At night?" he asked.

"Okay, I guess. She's still sleeping on the floor," Willow explained. "She says the bed's too soft."

"Well, she's slept on solid stone for a couple hundred years," Giles said. "I can imagine the floor is a step up."

Buffy hadn't been listening to their conversation. She was looking at the door where Tara had been standing. She set some plates in the sink and walked out of the kitchen. "I'll be right back."

She found Tara in the bedroom. She had already changed into blue and green plaid flannel pants and a t-shirt and was sitting on a sleeping bag on the floor, looking out the window at the moon. She glanced over briefly at Buffy before her gaze returned to the moon.

"It's calming," she said. "There was no moon in Moktar."

"Moktar?" Buffy asked. She walked in and sat on the edge of the bed.

"It's what the demons called the dimension I was in," she explained. "There was so much dust that if there was a moon, there's no way you could see it. I missed the moon."

They sat in silence for a while. Tara pulled her legs up and hugged them to her chest. Finally Buffy broke the silence.

"I know there's no way any of us can understand what you went through or how horrible two hundred years in a demon dimension must have been. None of us have been to a demon dimension," she said. She reached into her back pocket and pulled out a white card. She held it out to Tara. "But I know someone who has."

Tara took the card and stared at it. There was an abstract sketch of an angel on it. Printed underneath the angel were the words Angel Investigations with the address and phone number.

"I already called him," Buffy said. "They'll have a room ready for you if you decide to go." Tara returned to looking out at the moon, unconsciously running her thumb back and forth over the embossed lettering of the business card. "He can help you, if you want."

"You think I should go to Los Angeles?" Tara asked.

"I think that Angel might be the best person to help you," Buffy said. "What you do is up to you."

Buffy stood and headed for the door.

"Buffy," Tara called after her. Buffy stopped in the doorway and looked over her shoulder. "Thank you."

Buffy nodded her head and left Tara alone to contemplate her future.


	5. Byth

SONG CREDIT: "Goodbye" by Natalie Imbruglia, from _White Lilies Island._

When Willow came to bed she found that Tara was already asleep, on her side with her back to the door. It wasn't a sound sleep. It seemed she never slept soundly. She would occasionally make some kind of noise or turn over several times. Willow wondered what Tara was dreaming about. Of course, Tara never talked about her dreams.

As she changed into her pajamas, Willow noticed Tara's shirt was bunched up, exposing some of her back. She saw something on Tara's back, and as she moved closer she realized what she saw was a scar. Several scars. She knelt next to Tara and carefully reached forward, moving the shirt up a little bit more. It appeared that Tara had numerous scars, a web that chris-crossed over her entire back. Willow's hand trembled as she started to move the shirt more.

She gasped in surprise when Tara quickly turned onto her back and grabbed her wrist, holding it tightly. They just stared at each other. Tara's gaze was dark and angry, as if she didn't know who Willow was. She was almost afraid that Tara would hurt her. As it was, her grip on her wrist was very tight. But then Tara's expression softened a little and she released her wrist. Willow scooted back and sat on the floor with her back against the side of the bed. She and Tara didn't break eye contact.

"I'm sorry," Willow said, rubbing her wrist where Tara had grabbed her. Tara just sat up and stared at her. "I just...I-I'm sorry."

Willow stood and quickly got into bed. Tara sat there, watching Willow. She reached her hand around and touched the scars on her lower back. She had been hiding them, wearing layers and avoiding Willow's touch. She was ashamed of them. She wasn't sure why. She decided she couldn't hide them anymore.

When the bedside lamp came on, Willow turned onto her back to see Tara sitting on the edge of the bed. She watched as she moved her hair over her shoulder and slowly pulled up the back of her shirt, revealing the scars that Willow had been attempting to see. There were more than Willow had even guessed. It was almost like Tara's back was one big scar. She carefully reached forward and gently touched her back, running her fingertips over the mass of scars. She closed her eyes, trying not to imagine what Tara had been through that had caused this. But her mind couldn't help conjuring up images of Tara being whipped and beaten, her blood spilling down her back as some gruesome demon enjoyed torturing her. Willow shook her head and pulled the shirt back down. Tara turned and saw the distraught look on Willow's face. But she knew Willow wanted to know what had happened, no matter how upsetting it was. So now she would know. She would know at least one tiny fraction of what Tara had been through.

"During the first year, I was captured and beaten almost constantly," Tara explained. "I was too weak to use my powers to heal. That's why I have those scars."

"Just the first year?" Willow asked.

"I escaped after that," she replied. "Spent the rest of the time defending myself, hiding in caves, killing demons."

"By eating them," Willow said quietly. Tara looked at her in surprise. "Anya explained about that. It's the only way to die there."

Tara looked down at the floor, remembering her first kill in that dimension. She remembered how confused she had felt. She hadn't felt like herself at all. She felt like she had been taken over by someone else, something so primal and animalistic. It had been frightening. She hated thinking about it.

"Did you ever...I mean, were there any..." Willow said, not sure how to ask this question. "Did you kill any humans?"

Tara looked at Willow as if she were surprised by the question. No, not surprised. Startled and nervous. She shook her head. "No."

Willow sighed in relief and the two of them remained in silence with Tara looking at the floor and Willow watching her. Tara had a troubled scowl on her face, a pained look. It hurt for her to talk about this. Willow could tell. She finally broke the silence.

"I think that's enough for tonight," she said. 

Tara looked over and nodded her head. Without a word she left the bed and laid back down on her sleeping bag. Willow switched off the light and the two of them laid in silence in the dark with the moonlight breaking through the shadows. Tara looked up at the moon and tried not to think about her first year in the demon dimension, or her first kill.

* * *  
  


The next morning Tara walked downstairs. Willow had already left. She wasn't sure if Buffy and Dawn were there. She headed into the kitchen to find something to eat. When she didn't find anything that appealed to her she left the kitchen and went into the living room. 

She sat on the sofa and just stared at her reflection in the television screen. The sunlight from the window made her appear as just a shadow in the screen. She felt like a shadow. Her thoughts were shadows. She had spent so long living through sensations. All she knew was what she felt. But now the memories were coming back. The shadows were retreating and the past was coming back. Memories from before the demon dimension and memories from the demon dimension. She couldn't sort them all out. She was never meant to have 250 years worth of memories. It was all too confusing.

As she thought about the demon dimension, old feelings started to come back. She started feeling unsafe, uncomfortable. The constant feeling of being watched and hunted was coming back. The animal-like instincts she had lived by were starting to become dominant again. She smelled blood and tasted fresh. She could hear the screams. She was feeling the rush of adrenaline that came with killing. That's why she simply attacked when she saw another shadow in the television screen.

Dawn screamed when Tara lunged at her and tackled her to the floor in the foyer. She held her down and wrapped her hands around Dawn's neck.

"Tara! Wait! It's Dawn!" she cried out before Tara started to squeeze. Dawn gagged and pulled at Tara's wrists, trying to get her to let go. She couldn't breathe. The look in Tara's eyes terrified her. They were filled with rage. But soon Tara's face started to blur. The lack of oxygen was causing her to lose consciousness.

She gasped for breath suddenly and coughed as Tara's hold on her neck was removed. She opened her eyes to see Buffy standing nearby. Willow was standing in the front doorway. They were both looking over at Tara in confusion and shock. Tara looked as confused as they did.

"No. No," she said, tears filling her eyes. She scrambled to her feet and looked to the three of them in panic. "Dawn, I-I…I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

Tara rushed past them and up the stairs. Buffy turned to Dawn.

"What happened?" Buffy asked. "Dawn, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm okay," Dawn said, her voice slightly hoarse. "I don't know what happened. She was sitting there and then she just jumped me."

Buffy helped Dawn stand and guided her to the sofa. Willow stood in the foyer in shock as Dawn tried to explain what had happened.

"Her eyes. They were so dark," Dawn said. She rubbed at her neck, which was already bruising.  "That wasn't Tara."

Buffy ran her hand through Dawn's hair. "Okay, I'm going to get some ice for your neck." She stood and saw the look on Willow's face. "Will?"

Willow shook herself out of her daze and looked up the stairs. "I'm going to check on Tara."

"If anything happens…" Buffy said, indicating her worry about Tara attacking again.

"You'll hear me scream," Willow said with a nervous smile. She headed up the stairs and entered the bedroom to find Tara grabbing clothes and stuffing them in a duffel bag. "Tara? What are you doing?"

Tara didn't say anything. She just sniffed back tears and continued filling the duffel bag. When that was full she found a suitcase and started filling that.

"Why are you packing?" Willow asked. Tara still didn't respond and Willow stepped forward, grabbing her by the shoulders and looking her in the eyes. "Baby, please, stop."

Tara closed her eyes and hung her head, pulling out of Willow's grasp sharply. "I could've killed her."

"But you didn't," Willow said. Tara shook her head and sat on the bed.

"Because Buffy stopped me," she replied. "If she hadn't…nobody is safe around me."

"That's not true," Willow said.

"Yes, it is," Tara said. She stood and moved to continue packing. "I need to go."

"Go? Where? Why?" Willow asked. She couldn't believe she was hearing this. She had brought Tara back, and now she was about to lose her again.

"I'm going to Los Angeles. Buffy thinks Angel can help me, and I agree with her," Tara explained. "He knows what I've been through. He can help me learn how to get back to normal."  
  


"And I can't?" Willow asked dejectedly.

"It's not that," Tara said. "I made a promise to you a long time ago. At least, it was a long time ago to me. I promised that I would never hurt you."

"And you won't."

"If you believe that, you're being naïve and stupid," Tara said sharply. She saw the hurt look on Willow's face. "You saw what happened downstairs. You're not safe around me. None of you are."

"So you're just going to leave. You haven't even given me a chance to help you," Willow said.

"You did help me," Tara said. "You brought me back. You saved me from an eternity of torture. But you can't do everything."

"Tara, I love you," Willow said, her eyes welling with tears. Tara stopped packing and took Willow's hand.

"I know. I love you, too," she said. She sat on the bed and guided Willow to sit next to her. "There were times when all that kept me going was that. At my worst moments, I always had you."

Willow looked down at the floor and sniffed back her tears.

"I don't know how long I'll be gone," Tara said quietly. "I don't expect you to wait for me if I—"

"Of course I'll wait for you," Willow said. She looked up and gently caressed Tara's face. "I'll always wait for you."

Tara's memory flashed. "You could never hurt me," Willow said. Tara smiled. "That's a promise."

She closed her eyes and leaned against Willow's hand. It had been so long since she had felt this way, since she had felt like nothing was wrong. "I missed you so much." 

Willow leaned forward carefully, hesitating to see Tara's reaction. Then she moved in and kissed her gently. Tara was tense at first, but then she relaxed, just letting the old feelings become new again. She didn't want to lose this. But she pulled away suddenly and shook her head.

"Don't," she said. Willow was confused. "Don't make this harder than it already is."

Willow nodded her head and stood. "Do you need anything? Help with anything?"

"I'll need a ride to the bus station," Tara said.

"Okay, I'll call Giles and see if he can drive you," Willow said. She stopped in the doorway for a moment. "I will wait for you. I promise."

Once Willow had left the room and gone downstairs, Tara leaned forward and held her head in her hands, sobbing. She just wished everything could go back to the way it was. She wanted to turn back time. The future she was facing scared her, almost as much as eternity in Moktar scared her. At least in Moktar she knew what to expect. Now it was all a frightening mystery. She could only hope that she could find some kind of control. She wanted to be sure of herself. Hopefully, Angel could help her find that.

* * *

_Every day's the same_

_I feel them merge_

_I try to separate_

_Resist the urge_

_But they tell me I'll be fine_

_That it will all get better_

_Just try to write it down_

_Or put it in a letter_

_But the words won't play_

_And there's no easy way to say_

_Goodbye_

_Goodbye_

Giles was loading the last of Tara's bags into the trunk of his car. The others were gathered on the front lawn to wish her farewell.

"Tara, if this about this morning…" Dawn began. Tara shook her head.

"It's not, Dawnie," she said. "It's part of it, but I already knew I would have to do this."

"You have to come back for the wedding," Anya said enthusiastically, unknowingly making a situation about her when it shouldn't be. "You're one of my bridesmaids."

"Oh, well, I…" Tara began. She saw the hopeful look on Anya's face and smiled. Tara had always liked Anya, regardless of the fact that she drove Willow crazy. She was so refreshingly honest, like a child sometimes. "Sure. I'll come back for the wedding."

"Good luck," Xander said. "I'm not the biggest fan of Angel, but I'll admit he's good at helping people. You're in good hands."

Tara nodded her head and then turned to Willow, who was trying to put on a brave front. She had a half-hearted smile plastered on her face. Tara looked at her and wanted to change her mind. She wanted to stay. But she couldn't.

She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around Willow, who held her tight.

"I will always be with you," Willow whispered in her ear. "No matter how far apart we are. I'll be with you."

"Forever," Tara whispered back. She smiled as a memory flashed through her mind and she repeated a word she thought she had long forgotten. "Byth."

They separated and Willow offered Tara a tearful smile, remembering the welsh word for 'forever' that Tara had used the night they found out Dawn was the key, the night she had decided to learn to fight in order to stop Glory.

She backed away from Willow and slowly got into the car. Giles moved around to the driver's side and then started the ignition. The others waved goodbye as he pulled away and Tara kept sight of Willow as long as she could. Finally they turned the corner and she was gone.

_Keep my head on straight_

_And don't look down_

_With all I've pushed away_

_I'm losing ground_

_But they tell me I'll be fine_

_That it will all get better_

_Just try to write it down_

_Or put it in a letter_

_But the words won't play_

_Cause there's no easy way to say_

_Goodbye_

_Goodbye_

_And from the sidelines_

_Watch me fall down_

Willow closed her eyes when Giles' car was out of sight. Buffy wrapped her arm around her friend's shoulders, but Willow was too busy concentrating on Tara. She could still feel her presence. She could feel her pain and her fear and her sadness. She wanted to do something to make all of that go away for Tara, but she couldn't. All she could do was hope that Angel would help Tara find whatever control she needed to find. Tara had a long road ahead of her and Willow knew that she would be waiting at the end of that road.

_And I don't understand_

_The things I do_

_But I'll probably be fine_

_As long as I keep moving_

_I'll try to write it down_

_So things just keep improving_

_Still the words won't play_

_Cause there's no easy way to say_

_Goodbye_

_Goodbye_

THE END


End file.
